Part Two – The Watch – HGTTG Fanfiction

As mentioned, there are certain perks that come with being President of the Universe. One was that Zaphod could go on vacation whenever he wanted to. Zaphod found that he never missed anything important because he really wasn’t responsible for anything. He never had to make decisions regarding policies or programs, events or casual dinners, or even Universal Laws. He never had to spend hours in meetings or on Council trying to convince certain races to do certain things. He found it quite peculiar that all he was expected to do was to sign papers and make appearances.

Zaphod appeared at several annual, bi-annual, monthly, weekly, daily and bi-daily events in and around the Universe. He portatraveled immensely, and found he quite often enjoyed the parties and the pizzazz involved at his appearances.

He had one such elaborate appearance coming up at the end of the week on Discworld. It was Great A’Tuin Day, and in honour of the Great A’Tuin, the President of the Universe was invited to give a speech about the wonders of Discworld; the Star Turtle itself and the Cori Celesti – the home of Discworld’s gods.

Zaphod had been to Discworld several times and still didn’t know much about its politics. But he didn’t have to worry because he never wrote his own speeches.

Now anyone who is anyone would be flying out to the annual celebration at the Unseen University. Not just to celebrate Great A’tuin Day, but word had also spread that the Monks of History would be unveiling the new and improved Darwin’s Watch at the event. The watch was still named in honour of Charles Darwin, whose theories of the evolution of species influenced the invention of the ground breaking space elevator. It was constructed to become the one and only truly accurate clock. It had the ability to stop and alter time by allowing its user to travel through a time-rip which could only be created as the user fell over the edge of Disworld. By doing this, they would get close enough to the Great A’tuin to activate the watches components to time travel while spontaneously collecting bits of time itself.

The watch itself was small and had been kept under constant surveillance in Unseen University by the Monks. Students from all over Discworld wanted to study its mechanics and to philosophize about its misuse. Though thorough testing with the device had never occurred, the Monks were anxious to unveil the new watch, to finally be recognized in their tedious efforts to collect and store time for the greater good.

Discworld was Zaphod’s chance. He had finally visualized what he needed to do to retrieve his memory and find out why he hated being President of the Universe. He knew that he could not be the one to retrieve the Darwin’s Watch to travel back in time. If his present self had any contact with his past self, he would create a paradox that would disrupt the balance between space and time in their current dimension, therefore immobilizing him in the past forever. He knew it had to be Marvin. Marvin was Zaphod’s Hail Mary.

Marvin would be the perfect partner in crime. Wasn’t he always complaining he had no responsibility? Marvin may not be able to blend in too well, but he would be the least likely suspect to pose a threat to the safety of the watch. All Zaphod had to do was get them both close enough to Darwin’s Watch and then create enough of a distraction for Marvin to grab the watch and boot it to the edge of the Discworld.

“That’s 4354 feet. What do you think I’m made of, weather resistant carbon alloy? Oh why bother, there’s a 89 percent chance I’ll be terminated before I leave the ground.”

Zaphod almost squealed to himself at his pure genius. He wasn’t quite sure what kind of distraction he would make, but it didn’t matter. The wheels had begun to turn. Marvin should be able to bypass any security measures at the Unseen University. Zaphod could install thrusters right to Marvin’s ankles that could easily bypass the brick walls that surrounded the University. His only obstacle may be the wizards, if they caught on in time.

“Just make sure you get the watch fastened to yourself somehow Marvin. Then when you find me in the past, I’ll tell you all about the future. Then you just hustle back here and fill me in on my plan.”

“I don’t really see the point of this, sir. There’s nothing wrong with hating your job. Everybody hates their job. I hate my job. The watch probably even hates its job. There’s no use trying to change things.” Marvin sighed. He was not looking forward to leaving the comforts of his home. He didn’t think Zaphod was even of average intelligence, why should he care to do as he was asked? But his coding overruled any fabricated emotion that fuelled his ruminations. Zaphod would program him to carry out his mission whether he wanted to or not.

“I’ll always be just a pawn, never adding up to much. My life equation equals a fraction below zero. I never have any fun. And why should I?”

“Oh Marvin, you’re such a hoot!” Zaphod just laughed again and shook his friend in excitement. He was beginning to see it all clearly now. It was almost if he had known what to do all along.

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Late Night

I’m thinking deep
It rolls around on my tongue in waves
Dangerously

How long can I keep this smile
I wish I could wrap it up and send it to you
There are so many impossible things I wish I could do for you
With you
To you
Deeply

Impossibilities get me down
But tonight I’ve got that vibe
Where everything seems reachable
Where you are almost kissable
Almost

And that’s all the security I need
To fall asleep and beautifully dream
About the time I wish I had with you

Leftovers

I’m low
I’ve sunk deep
into this liquid lava heartache
Feeling gutted
ripped open and torn out
Left to rot
Like a fish on the beach
or a squirrel on the street
Road kill
My murderer; my best friend
A partnership betrayed
A love deceived
unreceived
It always takes two in the end
One to run and
One to let go

Issue 5.3 – Nonfiction —Before I was Mom

I am twenty-three years old, and I’m in love. I love my boyfriend. I’ve known him since grade nine, and he loves me. I can’t believe he loves me. It’s so important that he loves me because I don’t love myself enough. I’m shy and his love makes up for it. His laughter and games […]

via Issue 5.3 – Nonfiction —

A Certain Death – HGTTG FANFICTION

Part One – The Saviour

Zaphod hated being the President of the Universe. He hated it so much, that on several occasions he had tried to escape his station on Vogshere by hitching rides on the Waste Relocation convoys. He figured he would rather get dumped into the nearest asteroid belt and take his chances hitch-hiking, than spend another dreary moment signing documents and attending meetings.

On each escape attempt, he dutifully waited until he was alone, which was usually well after midnight when his entourage of assistants (which consisted of eight bodyguards, a body double, a signature maker, two hair stylists and four wardrobe consultants) were all asleep, or at least off in their own quarters for the night. He would sneak out of his suite and successfully bypass the security detail parked outside the council’s Main Compound, where he resided.

Outsmarting the detail was embarrassingly too easy. It was comprised of six Vogons, who were slow and dimwitted, but also the most hostile and diligent creatures in the Universe. Zaphod would simply inform them he needed to speak to the Presidential Liaison, a position which was manned on a different planet. Then he would watch them scuffle and leave their post unmanned, so to speak, due to their complete inability to not not follow orders, especially from the President of the Universe. To verify the low level of intellect the Vogon race inherited, this request worked for Zaphod twice before they clued in to his real intentions.

The third time he decided on a different approach. He thought perhaps security had been tipped off from his would-be pursuers. But, on the third escape attempt he told the group of Vogons that their mothers were waiting for them in the service bay and had requested their presence. Their eyes grew wide and one roughly stated, “can’t leave mother waiting,” as they set off towards the service bay.

“No, that is not right,” another would say, until they all grumbled and waddled away  as Zaphod silently laughed to himself with pride. He had known it would work. Vogons were nasty creatures, but their female monarchy was renown for being the cruelest, so much so that one would never cross their own mother.

Zaphod made his way on to one of the waste ships and managed to hide himself in the cargo bay. Like the two attempts before, the alarms would sound. The first time they sounded, Zaphod was sure it wasn’t because of him. Minutes later, he was surprised by his entourage of assistants and his body double as they showed up, ready to escort him back home. But after that third failure to flee, Zaphod knew he had to change his plan.

“What are you doing Zaphod? We have given you everything you have ever dreamed of,” the Secretary of Space and Time asked him.

“What is it you are running away from, Zaphod?” The Wormhole General pushed.

Yet Zaphod never had a real answer. He would smile and laugh and say “just keeping you on your toes!”

Though in reality, Zaphod couldn’t really remember why he hated being President of the Universe so much. He knew it was terribly boring and most days he felt suffocated by his staff and colleagues. But he also knew that most jobs were boring and he did Zaphod did, on occasion, enjoy the power being President allowed him. He enjoyed the lavish space suites, especially the ones that came with their own virtual entertainment centre. He would spend hours on planet Vaytex with the Nymphs of Hades adorning him with exotic gifts. Yes, being President actually had many perks.

Though clearly, he knew he hated it. He knew he hated it because everyday he was reminded that he hated it by his best friend, Marvin, the Paranoid Android.

Zaphod had acquired Marvin before he became Universal President, even before he was a Galactic President.

Before Zaphod was anything he worked for the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. He was not involved in creating the androids, but he was a coder involved in creating the Genuine People Personalities that became a popular program in the droids. Zaphod actually pitied Marvin for turning out to be quite the depressed little bot. He was one of Zaphod’s first prototype’s. Zaphod decided to keep him as his own, that way whenever he felt utterly useless, Marvin could cheer him up simply by giving him the most horrible and terrible advice he heard in his life. Zaphod would smile, instantly knowing he didn’t have it as bad as Marvin.

Zaphod’s work in Cybernetics was supposed to take the GPP’s to the next level. He had been assigned to begin designing a silicone prototype that could be injected into living tissue and thus reprogram the way a being thought or felt about anything. Depending on the program, a person who once had a fear of open space could now take space walks, or a women who didn’t want children could be made to believe she did, and so on and so forth.

It is of no great surprise that this was a top-secret program and one that Zaphod himself did not even remember being a part of.

“Have I told you how much you hate being president today?” Marvin was programmed to ask him on a daily basis at 4:31pm.

“Yes. I know. But why do I hate it, Marvin?”

“Because, you idiot, you programmed yourself to.”

“Why in All of Time would I do that?”

“Because, you moron, you said you had a plan.”

“A plan?”

“Yes, a plan.”

“Well, what was it?”

Marvin sighed. “How should I know? No one ever tells me anything important. I’m just an android, I don’t do anything special around here and no one ever needs my help.”

And they would have the same conversation every single day with various sub contexts depending on Zaphod’s mood.

Until one day, Zaphod had an epiphany; or perhaps what marked as a pure act of desperation, he concluded that Marvin would become his saviour.

What is this stress I feel?

What is this stress I feel?

What is this mood I’m in?

For so long I’ve been vacant and unattached

And now I smile at crying children and puppy dogs

I laugh at my lateness

and shrug off my sleepless nights

And I’m writing

I can write through endless unknown thoughts

asking myself why now and why him

I can see beauty in lust and longing for attention

I can see him clear as day

and feel him inside me;

What is this stress I feel?

This nagging feeling to communicate with a no-win situation

I’m not lonely, I’m not sad

But Oh God, how wonderful it felt

how consuming he was

Enough to make me wet still through memories

and hopes of things to come

And I’m hoping almost desperately

sitting on the edge of my seat

daring myself to dive in;

What are these songs in my head?

Who sings to me and tells me not to let go?

how could i release such pleasurable possibilities

 why would I even want to close this door?

But somehow I’m scared of whats inside

It’s waiting there like a ticking paper lunch bag

But I grab for it anyway

There could be cake inside

or chocolate and whip cream

There could be marbles and movies

or laughter and no strings

Do you know how wonderful that would be?

But it could just be empty

and only because I’ve realized

I’d already tasted what’s inside

But I’m not lonely

I’m not sad

I just want more

I’m hungry