Today was way too fucked up. I can’t even believe the intensity of emotions that evolved tonight.
All day, I felt kinda anxious so I was feeling shitty at my family’s Christmas party. I did not want to talk to anyone. So my brother and I left early and I ended up going to Denny’s party with Anne.
There weren’t that many people there, but David was there. He made me feel amazingly better. He was so sweet and beautiful, I wanted to stay with him forever. So then I started to get really uncomfortable because he left and was talking to other people, another girl. I wasn’t jealous, I was just really anxious to be sitting there and not really having anyone to talk to and that makes things worse for me in my head.
I guess he noticed because he came over and said sorry cause and asked me if I was mad. I told him I was upset, but not with him or what he was doing, just in general. So then he accused me of playing games with him. I told him I wasn’t that I was just feeling like shit but he still got all mad and started talking about shooting up and stuff.
I just lost it. I couldn’t handle anything he was saying to me and I just started crying with Lisa. Then it just got worse. David accused me of screwing things up and blaming my crying on playing games and trying to mess with his head. I swear I wasn’t! So that just made me feel shittier, so I just left.
Lisa tried to explain things to him, what I’ve been going through but he wouldn’t listen, he thought I was crying on purpose to make him feel like shit. So when I left he got so mad. Me and Anne went outside and started walking towards the car and he came out after us and told me to wait and said we should talk this out.
So Anne went in the car while I went to go talk to him. He was just like “I don’t know what to do.” He kept saying that he was thinking all fucked up and he just hugged me. He said he hoped it was the right thing to do. It was. He started crying and saying I’m sorry and I’m like no! I started crying and saying sorry and that I hated feeling this way and I kept telling him not to think I was crazy. I tried to push him away because he was hugging me too hard and he said “don’t push me away, I never want you to go away.”
I said that I wouldn’t but I still pushed him off me and then hugged him more comfortably. We stayed that way for a long time. I felt so good in his arms. I actually started to relax. I could feel myself sink into his body with all my heart and I knew everything with him would be okay, as long as he was there for me. So I said to him “I need you David” at first he didn’t say anything but then he said that was the most perfect thing I could have said to him, it’s all he ever needs to here me say. He said, “I need you too Katie, I’ll need you for a very long time.”
I was so happy but I was still crying. I think maybe he was too. But I asked him if he really wanted to put up with me cause this really happens a lot. And he said, yeah, I think it will be fun. That made me laugh and I finally stopped crying. He told me that there was no one above me and that I didn’t even know anything about what he meant. I was like, what are you talking about? He’s like, “yeah you’re just thinking, oh this guy likes me and that’s cool, but it’s much more than me just liking you.” I said that I hoped it was and he’s like ” I know it is.”
So we kissed before he went back into the house but he asked if I was okay one more time. I told him yes, but that we should talk more again tomorrow when he was sober, and I would try to explain everything that’s going on. He said he’ll call me as soon as he gets up and now I’m nervous again. I’m scared because when I explain my anxiety disorder he will probably think I’m too insane to even stay with. I like him so much, I don’t want to lose him over it, you know? And we’re not even really going out yet, not officially. Although he did say that this New Years will be his first with a girlfriend. So that’s cool.
God, I hope I didn’t fuck everything up tonight. David thinks he did but he’s so wrong. Everything was my fault.”
I remember this night vaguely. This post helps me to picture it in my mind and I think the part I remember the most is the hugging in the parking lot. I think this was a turning point in our relationship because I was completely vulnerable and desperately wanting to be normal. Normal as in healthy. Healthy as in not constantly feeling like I was about to jump out of a plane. That was my anxiety level at 18 years old. Like I was constantly teetering, trying not to fall from what felt like great heights.
And here was this guy, being OK with that. So I felt like I could be okay with what he was into. It didn’t matter. I was messed up, he was messed up, we were messed up together. What could possibly go wrong?